The Funniest Thing I've Read All Week
Elie Mystal is a bad man. And I mean that in the BEST POSSIBLE way!
I hope Elie doesn’t get pissed, but I’m reposting part of his latest newsletter below, in its entirety.
He may well be able to kick my ass…
Don’t drink any milk while reading below. You may just do a bigass spit-take.
Last month, Donald Trump asked an 8-year-old: “You think you could take me in a fight?” This prompted YouGov (link) to poll Americans on whether they think they could beat Trump in a fistfight.
I would just like to tell 22-year-old me—the naïve young man who thought that “Whom would you like to have a beer with, George W. Bush or Al Gore?” was the dumbest polling question of my lifetime—that he was so, so very wrong.
Overall, only 55 percent of Americans thought they could take Trump in a fight. I say “only” because… do you have any idea how old 79 is? We’re talking about an age where falling down can be life-threatening. And that’s not even accounting for Trump’s shambling physical state.
The 19th dug into the numbers (link), and… I just really don’t understand the spell Trump has cast over this entire freaking country. In the poll, 64 percent of men said they could take Trump in a fight, while just 47 percent of women did. I promise you, women are selling themselves way short, but the men (not usually ones to underestimate themselves) are too; just five years ago, YouGov found that 71 percent of men thought they could beat up a goose (which is a ridiculously high number; a goose would kick most people’s asses). The idea that more people think they could beat up a goose than Donald Trump is absolutely insane to me.
But the rub of it all is how the numbers broke along party lines. Eighty–two percent of Democratic men and 71 percent of Democratic women said they could beat Trump—while only 46 percent of Republican men and 19 percent of Republican women said they could trounce the president. In total, 33 percent of Republicans thought they could take Trump.
Let me repeat that: Only 33 percent of these wannabe jackboot, anti-science, gun-toting racists think they can beat a 79-year-old man in a fistfight. I promise you that if they were asked if they could beat Barack Obama (a fit 64-year-old), the Republican number would approach 100 percent.
My point is: These people are in a cult. Only a cult mentality can make you think that a washed-up old man like Trump who can’t even hold a glass with one hand is somehow so “strong” that he can be an effective pugilist.
That said, don’t punch Donald Trump. Even if he hits you first. Just turn the other cheek. Not out of Christian goodness, but because if you turn the other cheek he’ll break his small hand on your face, and then, while he’s screaming out in pain you can say, “Osteoporosis, motherfucker,” and look like a badass.
That’s a happy & funny ending to a really long week. Enjoy the weekend and love your Momma. She’s the only one you’ve got.