The Morning Sixpack - February 24, 2025
More Trump hirings, more Musk firings. Just another day in paradise!
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Germany’s Election Shocker: Merz’s Conservatives Win, but Far Right Surges to Historic High
Germany’s national election delivered a political shake-up, with opposition leader Friedrich Merz securing a narrow and underwhelming victory for his conservative Union bloc.
However, the real story was the rise of the far-right Alternative for Germany (AfD), which nearly doubled its vote share to 20%, marking the strongest showing for a far-right party in postwar Germany.
Chancellor Olaf Scholz, whose unpopular coalition government collapsed months ahead of schedule, conceded defeat, calling the results “a bitter election result.” Projections showed his center-left Social Democrats (SPD) falling to a historic low, trailing behind both Merz’s conservatives and AfD.
Haven’t we seen this terrible movie before?
The fragmented vote means Merz now faces a tough road to forming a coalition government.
His party, polling just under 29%, will likely need at least one, if not two, partners to govern.
AfD leader Alice Weidel declared that “we have become the second-strongest force” and signaled openness to coalition talks, but Merz and other mainstream leaders have repeatedly ruled out working with the far right.
Meanwhile, Scholz’s SPD slumped to just over 16%, while their former coalition partners, the Greens, managed 12-13%. Other smaller parties, including the hard-left Left Party and the pro-business Free Democrats, teetered around the 5% threshold for parliamentary representation.
The election was driven by economic stagnation, migration concerns, and geopolitical uncertainty, particularly regarding Ukraine and transatlantic relations with the U.S.
With Germany as Europe’s largest economy and a key NATO player, the results will have far-reaching implications.
“The world out there isn’t waiting for us, and it isn’t waiting for long-drawn-out coalition talks and negotiations,” Merz warned supporters.
The coming weeks will test whether he can forge a stable government—or if Germany is in for more political turbulence.
Source: AP News
Elon Musk vs. the Bureaucracy: Federal Agencies Push Back on His “Productivity” Ultimatum
Elon Musk’s latest power play—ordering federal employees to submit weekly reports on their accomplishments or risk termination—isn’t going over well in Washington.
Several Trump-appointed agency heads have openly defied the billionaire’s mandate, telling their staff to ignore his directive entirely.
The move sets up a major showdown between Musk, who has been given sweeping authority by President Trump to overhaul the government, and a bureaucracy that isn't keen on reporting to the ketamine-addled CEO of Tesla and SpaceX.
As Musk doubled down over the weekend, major agencies—including the FBI, the intelligence coordination office, and the Departments of Defense, State, Health and Human Services, and Homeland Security—made it clear they wouldn’t be playing along.
The resistance underscores growing unease within the administration about Musk’s unchecked influence.
“Officials are aware that he has influence over the president privately, and they fear him using X, the social media website he owns, to single out people he views as obstructing him,” one senior administration official said.
In other words: Nobody wants to be the next target of a Musk tweetstorm.
The pushback is just the latest sign that Musk’s efforts to bring his brand of “hardcore” work culture to the federal government may not be as seamless as he’d hoped.
While his fans cheer his attempts to shake up what he sees as an inefficient system, veteran government officials aren’t eager to answer to a billionaire tech mogul who moonlights as a meme lord.
With tensions escalating, this standoff could be the first real test of how far Musk’s authority in Washington actually extends.
Source: MDGN
ICE’s New Priority: Deporting Unaccompanied Migrant Kids
In a move that even the most hardened immigration hardliners might find extreme, the Trump administration has ordered ICE to round up and deport thousands of undocumented children who arrived in the U.S. without parents.
According to an internal government memo obtained by Reuters, the new directive prioritizes kids with existing deportation orders, those labeled as "flight risks" for missing a court date, and even minors categorized under "public safety" or "border security."
This marks a significant shift from ICE’s traditional focus on adults with criminal records—because apparently, unaccompanied kids are now seen as a national threat.
“These children may have histories of abuse or may be seeking safety from threats of violence. They may have been trafficked or smuggled,” the Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR) states on its website.
Despite that, the administration is pressing ahead with plans that will send these vulnerable minors back into dangerous situations.
The timing is also raising eyebrows—just last week, the administration abruptly suspended a program providing legal representation for unaccompanied minors before reversing course after public outrage.
Had the order stood, thousands of children would have faced deportation without due process.
Critics fear the administration is weaponizing immigration data to target children.
Trump’s ORR appointee, Mellissa Harper, has deep ties to ICE, and last week NPR reported that ICE officers gained access to an ORR database tracking unaccompanied minors.
This has sparked fears that information meant for child welfare could now be used for enforcement. With the administration doubling down on its hardline immigration stance, the question remains: Is this really about border security, or just another cruel show of force?
Cruelty is the point.
Source: MDGN
ByBit’s $1.4 Billion Crypto Heist Sets Record for the Biggest Theft in Digital Currency History
Another day, another massive crypto hack—but this one is historic.
ByBit (more like “Bye, Bit!”), a major cryptocurrency exchange, announced that hackers made off with a staggering $1.4 billion, making it the biggest theft of digital currency ever recorded.
According to blockchain tracing firm Elliptic, the thieves exploited a vulnerability in ByBit’s Ethereum-based holdings, tricking the platform into cryptographically signing a fraudulent transaction.
ByBit CEO Ben Zhou tried to downplay the disaster, assuring users on X that “all withdraws are NORMAL” and that the exchange remains solvent.
But considering this heist surpasses previous record-breaking hacks—including Mt. Gox, FTX, and Bitfinex—it's safe to say this is an unmitigated disaster for the crypto world.
What makes this theft particularly brutal is its scale.
In 2024, total crypto-related thefts amounted to $2.2 billion—ByBit just lost over half that amount in a single hack.
Even the infamous 2016 Bitfinex heist, which was ultimately valued at $4.5 billion when the funds were recovered in 2022, was worth only $72 million at the time.
That means ByBit has now set a new low bar for crypto security, whether it wants the title or not.
If history tells us anything, regulators and governments will likely use this fiasco as another excuse to crack down on the already embattled crypto industry.
For now, ByBit is putting on a brave face, promising that no user funds will be lost. But in an industry riddled with collapses and “totally solvent” companies going belly-up overnight, users may want to withdraw their funds while they still can.
Because if there’s one thing the crypto market has proven time and again, it’s that promises don’t mean much when billions suddenly vanish into the blockchain void.
Source: Wired
Bird Flu Is Now “Endemic in Cows,” but the Trump Administration Is Slashing Response Efforts
We’ve seen this shitty movie before, too. Remember COVID? Many don’t—they’re DEAD.
Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse, bird flu has now jumped to dairy cows—and experts say it’s here to stay.
A new variant of H5N1 has been detected in herds in Nevada and Arizona, raising alarm about how the virus is spreading and what that means for future outbreaks.
“It’s endemic in cows now. There is no way this is going to get contained on its own,” said influenza virologist Seema Lakdawala.
But while scientists are scrambling to understand the risks, the Trump administration has decided now is the perfect time to gut staffing and funding for the agencies responsible for responding to the crisis.
The timing couldn’t be worse. The U.S. is already facing its worst flu season in 15 years, increasing the chances that someone infected with both seasonal flu and H5N1 could help create a dangerous new strain.
Meanwhile, the CDC’s flu vaccination campaigns have been suspended under Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a longtime anti-vaccine activist, who reportedly prefers “informed consent” ads instead.
Oh, and in case that wasn’t enough, the administration has also halted communication with the World Health Organization on flu data.
What could possibly go wrong?
Instead of containing the outbreak, the administration is shifting its approach.
Kevin Hassett, director of the National Economic Council and a true idiot, suggested on Face the Nation that the government should move away from culling infected poultry—an established method to stop the spread—and instead rely on vague promises of “biosecurity and medication.”
So far, there’s little detail on what that actually means. (Reminds one of “I have a concept of a plan, except I don’t even know what you just asked me.”)
With a virus evolving, a gutted response team, and no clear containment strategy, the question isn’t if this will get worse, but when.
Source: The Guardian
Read more on idiot Kevin Hassett here:
I saved the best for last—Just for you!
Trump Names Dan Bongino FBI Deputy Director, Because Why Not?
In a move straight out of the "Surely This Is a Joke" playbook, Donald Trump has tapped Dan Bongino—a former Secret Service agent turned conservative podcaster and conspiracy aficionado—as the deputy director of the FBI.
That’s right: The guy who built a media empire peddling election denialism and railing against the “deep state” will now oversee day-to-day operations at the nation’s top law enforcement agency.
Trump, in a post on social media, gushed that Bongino is “a man of incredible love and passion for our Country,” apparently forgetting to mention that Bongino has zero experience running an investigative agency.
But who needs qualifications when you have a microphone and a MAGA fanbase?
This appointment marks the latest chapter in Trump’s ongoing makeover of the FBI, which has already seen the ousting of top officials and the mass reassignment of up to 1,500 agents.
With Kash Patel—another loyalist with zero experience—recently confirmed as FBI Director, the duo will now be in charge of handling some of the country’s most sensitive investigations. Not really sensitive, more like weaponized. Biden, I hope you’re ready for a series of shitty prosecutions. You kinda did this to yourself, man.
And if you’re wondering whether Bongino’s background includes leading major law enforcement operations, the answer is no.
Instead, he’s best known for pushing debunked claims about the 2020 election, dismissing COVID-19 precautions as “face diapers,” and launching failed Republican campaigns in Maryland and Florida.
Bongino’s new role raises MORE concerns about the direction of the FBI under Trump’s second term. The bureau, once regarded as independent, is now looking more like a clubhouse for presidential loyalists.
His critics argue that putting a partisan media personality in charge of federal investigations is a disaster waiting to happen.
But if history is any indicator, the Trump administration isn’t worried about appearances—it’s full speed ahead on turning the government into a talk radio call-in show. Buckle up.
Source: WaPo (gift article I won’t be able to hand out much longer because I won’t be re-subscribing to Jeff “Bozo’s” news rag any longer)