The Morning Sixpack – September 2, 2025
Quakes, tariffs, breakups, bromances & car wrecks—global chaos, corporate splits, Trump tantrums & Giuliani in traction.
Some mornings, the news feels like a fever dream stitched together by a drunk screenwriter. Today is one of those days: natural disasters, gun violence over pranks, world leaders clinking teacups, Trump getting spanked in court, a mega-merger imploding, and Rudy Giuliani in a hospital bed. Buckle up—here’s your Sixpack.
Afghanistan reels after a midnight earthquake kills more than 800 people. Entire villages were flattened as survivors clawed through rubble with their bare hands. The 6.0 quake struck near Jalalabad, trapping families and leaving thousands injured. Aid groups warn the death toll will rise as blocked roads keep rescuers out. As one villager put it, “Children are under the rubble. The elderly are under the rubble. Young people are under the rubble.” Afghanistan, already drowning in crisis, just got hit with another wave of misery.
An 11-year-old boy in Houston was killed after a “ding dong ditch” prank turned fatal. Police say the child was shot in the back as he ran away from a house whose resident decided ringing a doorbell was worthy of a death sentence. It’s not the first time—similar pranks have ended in murder charges in California and Virginia. A game that once meant laughter and sprinting down the block is now a litmus test for America’s paranoia with firearms.
Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin doubled down on their bromance in Beijing. Xi called him an “old friend,” Putin swooned right back, and they sealed the deal with tea in China’s seat of power. Beyond the cozy optics, they inked a new natural gas pipeline and touted their shared mission to push back against U.S. dominance. Translation: the West is the villain, and this odd couple is playing the long game together.
Trump’s “reciprocal tariffs” just got hammered by a federal appeals court. In a 7-4 decision, judges ruled the former president had no authority to impose levies on nearly every country on Earth under a fake “national emergency.” His tariffs, once slated to cover 69% of imports, may collapse to just 16% unless the Supreme Court saves him. Trump, of course, declared the ruling would “literally destroy the United States of America.” Spoiler: The republic will survive without his tariff tantrums.
But mark my words: If this gets to the Supreme Court, they will fold.
Kraft Heinz is splitting in two after its disastrous mega-merger. Buffett’s crown jewel turned into a moldy block of cheddar—billions lost, brands devalued, and consumers walking away in droves. Now, Kraft Mac & Cheese and Heinz ketchup will live on one side, while Lunchables, Oscar Mayer, and Maxwell House move to the other. Investors actually cheered the breakup, which tells you everything about how bad the marriage had gotten.
Rudy Giuliani was hospitalized after his rental car was rear-ended in New Hampshire. The 81-year-old fractured a vertebra and picked up a list of other injuries after stopping earlier that night to help a domestic violence victim. His team insists it wasn’t a targeted attack, though social media conspiracy theorists couldn’t help themselves. Once “America’s Mayor,” Giuliani now finds himself in the headlines for wrecks—legal, financial, and literal.
I bet the “domestic violence victim” is his mistress. Her husband probably beat her up and then went after Rudy and rammed his ass.
That’s your Sixpack for September 2. Earthquakes flatten villages, guns kill kids, dictators share tea, Trump gets slapped by judges, Buffett’s food empire crumbles, and Rudy’s in traction. Who needs fiction when the news is this absurd?
